(A before & after journal of emotions the day I went skydiving)
On Friday I went to lunch with a friend. He was a mutual friend, so I felt uncomfortable at the beginning. I didn’t know what to say. Would he bring him up? Would he ask what happened? I launched into nervous chatter about travel and faraway places. That’s my go to – places I want to see one day. The future is easy to talk about.
He wasn’t uncomfortable, and he did bring him up. He asked how I was doing, the way most people have been asking, and I gave him the answer I give everyone now. ”Great. Just getting into the swing of things.”
And then he told me all the reasons why I should be happy.
As we approached the mist the wind made rainbows all over the sky and rocks. It was so loud and wet and misty and big; with so much water rushing out over the falls. It looked to me like the pictures, and I wondered if I was appreciating it correctly, or if I was just seeing what everyone else sees.
Jasmine has already seen the falls, so she and her cousin went to the gift shop to find a moose. I sat on a rock. All of my personal problems felt so far away, though it had only been a week. My new ex-boyfriend was leaving California, and I tried to think of that future where I was okay with it. I was okay then, that’s for sure, but that’s only because the mist was soft on my lips and I was filled with that sensation that happens when you experience something new. As I sat there, I felt this undeniable call to do something. This was my chance to break away, to truly allow myself to be truly changed instead of clinging to something else and forcing myself to stay the same.
In the past when something unexpected or bad happened, I would try my hardest to make life exactly the same as it was before, to carry on exactly as if nothing had changed at all. I never wanted things to change, so my stories have always had this weird tendency to repeat themselves — same guy different name, different title same job. It wasn’t that life didn’t want me to succeed, it was that life was trying to teach me a lesson, and I hadn’t gotten it yet.
This time could be different. This time, maybe I could accept that it’s not going to be the same. Maybe, instead of fighting for something I’ve lost, I should go and try to find something new. I’m not talking about a new boyfriend. That would be repeating the story — needing to keep myself in a relationship. What I mean is trying to find my own adventure for a bit. Maybe this was what I’m supposed to do anyway.
After all, this trip to Canada was booked weeks before I found out about my now-ex boyfriend. Would it be too crazy to say it was supposed to happen, in this order? Could this be the Universe being a bit more gentle, holding my hand until I figured it out on my own?
I’m not going to repeat history, so I’m going to say yes.