Revelations at Niagara Falls, Canada


As we approached the mist the wind made rainbows all over the sky and rocks. It was so loud and wet and misty and big; with so much water rushing out over the falls. It looked to me like the pictures, and I wondered if I was appreciating it correctly, or if I was just seeing what everyone else sees.


Jasmine has already seen the falls, so she and her cousin went to the gift shop to find a moose.  I sat on a rock. All of my personal problems felt so far away, though it had only been a week. My new ex-boyfriend was leaving California, and I tried to think of that future where I was okay with it. I was okay then, that’s for sure, but that’s only because the mist was soft on my lips and I was filled with that sensation that happens when you experience something new.  As I sat there, I felt this undeniable call to do something. This was my chance to break away, to truly allow myself to be truly changed instead of clinging to something else and forcing myself to stay the same.

In the past when something unexpected or bad happened, I would try my hardest to make life exactly the same as it was before, to carry on exactly as if nothing had changed at all. I never wanted things to change, so my stories have always had this weird tendency to repeat themselves — same guy different name, different title same job. It wasn’t that life didn’t want me to succeed, it was that life was trying to teach me a lesson, and I hadn’t gotten it yet. 

This time could be different. This time, maybe I could accept that it’s not going to be the same. Maybe, instead of fighting for something I’ve lost, I should go and try to find something new.  I’m not talking about a new boyfriend. That would be repeating the story — needing to keep myself in a relationship. What I mean is trying to find my own adventure for a bit. Maybe this was what I’m supposed to do anyway.

After all, this trip to Canada was booked weeks before I found out about my now-ex boyfriend.  Would it be too crazy to say it was supposed to happen, in this order? Could this be the Universe being a bit more gentle, holding my hand until I figured it out on my own?

I’m not going to repeat history, so I’m going to say yes.

First Thoughts in Toronto, Canada

We are getting to Toronto by bus. By car it would be a quick trip, but we are taking a bus to the subway – trip time 2 hours. We got a late start, because Noor’s family was so excited for us to go.

I think she is embarrassed that she does not have a car, but she doesn’t realize that no one would have cared if she would just stop talking about how quick it would be if she did. The trip would have felt quick if we had just talked as if we were in a car, instead of giving us a “5 more minutes” every stop. It has yet to be 5 minutes.

She won’t stop talking and jasmine is getting annoyed. It’s funny watching to be honest, because Noor senses the awkwardness and it makes her talk more, and Jasmine gets more annoyed. It is 240pm.

All she does is talk. English punjabi nonsense more punjabi more English talks talks talks. Jasmine said to have patience. She doesn’t have friends and this is her first interaction with people aside from her family and boss since December. At first I thought I would go insane, but to be honest it’s easy to get used to. I’m here, after all, to be in a different place than I am in my normal life. And not being the one constantly talking definitely works.

When we arrived in Toronto I quickly realized that Canadians are not the nicest people in the world. Au contraire in fact. They remind me of an even meaner New Yorker. Or if a New Yorker mixed with the Frenchies. Jasmine said they are rude to Indian people here in general. They don’t like immigrants. It makes me angry.

I miss California, but I like the way it feels. I like missing where I used to be, because I won’t be there much later. I can’t stay in Newport Beach, my cozy, lazy beach town. This is what I realized in Toronto.

Why I Decided to Go to Canada Alone


September 17, 2013 3:00pm Central

Chicago, Illinois

I am sitting in Chicago’s airport waiting for my connection to Buffalo, New York.  Outside the window is land and sky.  From Buffalo I will go to Canada, to meet Jasmine in Toronto.  I don’t know what we will do there, but it is better than what I would be doing if I had stayed.  Maybe I can’t say that anymore.  Five days ago this was an entirely different trip, for a different end result, but I don’t want to talk about that now.

Continue reading