I had been losing a lot of sleep. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, worried about what I was going to do. What if this is wrong? What if I miss out on something else? What the hell am I thinking?
I realize that it’s just too hard to believe in myself. I’m as flaky as they come. My mind changes by the week and my heart by the minute. When I try to imagine the future all I find is uncertainty. The more I dwell on the unknown the less I believe in my choice. Every word of encouragement my heart whispers is followed by two shouts of doubt. I have been stuck in a storm of my own insecurities. For years I have chosen the safety of stagnancy because I don’t trust myself in the ocean of the unknown. It is hard for me to embark across the ocean when I’m afraid at the thought of a storm. Because it is too hard for me to believe in myself, I decided the only logical thing to do is to believe in Something Else. For me, that Something Else is God.
Because I cannot believe in myself, I decided to believe in Something Else.
So, I give away the trust in myself – it wasn’t working for me anyway. Something Else can have it. Something Else is in control and my job is to only accept. I found that when I made myself the vessel instead of the Captain, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I found that the more I gave my control to Something Else, the more I was aware of Its presence. The more power I give to the Captain, the less power I give to the storm. I prayed that Something Else would take the control. I prayed that a Captain would be willing to take over a lost boat.
When I got home that day, I had a letter waiting for me. The letter is from a friend I met while in Italy. We talk pretty often, and I had confided in her that I was afraid of leaving my secure life. The letter was short. “I hope you’re doing better since we last talked,” she wrote. “If you are waiting for a sign, here it is.”
I stared at the letter for a while and knew that my prayer had been heard. I was filled with more hope and optimism than I had felt in a very long time and I was overjoyed with appreciation.
I slept soundly for the first time in days. The ocean of the unknown was calm and I felt secure in my choice for the first time since I had made it. After all, I have the easy job now. No captain wants to let his vessel drown.
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