I had been losing a lot of sleep.  I kept waking up in the middle of the night, worried about what I was going to do.  What if this is wrong?  What if I miss out on something else?  What the hell am I thinking?

I realize that it’s just too hard to believe in myself.  I’m as flaky as they come.  My mind changes by the week and my heart by the minute.  When I try to imagine the future all I find is uncertainty.  The more I dwell on the unknown the less I believe in my choice. Every word of encouragement my heart whispers is followed by two shouts of doubt.  I have been stuck in a storm of my own insecurities.  For years I have chosen the safety of stagnancy because I don’t trust myself in the ocean of the unknown.  It is hard for me to embark across the ocean when I’m afraid at the thought of a storm.  Because it is too hard for me to believe in myself, I decided the only logical thing to do is to believe in Something Else.  For me, that Something Else is God.

So, I give away the trust in myself – it wasn’t working for me anyway.  Something Else can have it.  Something Else is in control and my job is to only accept.  I found that when I made myself the vessel instead of the Captain, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I found that the more I gave my control to Something Else, the more I was aware of Its presence.  The more power I give to the Captain, the less power I give to the storm.  I prayed that Something Else would take the control.  I prayed that a Captain would be willing to take over a lost boat.

When I got home that day, I had a letter waiting for me.  The letter is from a friend I met while in Italy.  We talk pretty often, and I had confided in her that I was afraid of leaving my secure life.  The letter was short.  “I hope you’re doing better since we last talked,” she wrote.  “If you are waiting for a sign, here it is.” 

I stared at the letter for a while and knew that my prayer had been heard.  I was filled with more hope and optimism than I had felt in a very long time and I was overjoyed with appreciation.

I slept soundly for the first time in days.  The ocean of the unknown was calm and I felt secure in my choice for the first time since I had made it.  After all, I  have the easy job now.  No captain wants to let his vessel drown.