My Day 1

I went to a yoga class.  After I found out, I felt my heart racing and I couldn’t stop crying.  I was sobbing in my car. I wanted him to come out to hug me, to kiss me, to tell me this was all some sick joke and he was sorry.  He didn’t come, and, in a way I’m glad of it.  Those initial moments of vulnerability are crucial and set the tone of your next weeks.  If we had talked it out, if he had apologized and told me everything would be okay, my insecurities might have broke through and I might be sadly curled in his arms right now, so worried, so oppressed, but with him.

I went to a yoga class.  I cried for a lot of it, but it was hot and sweaty and my tears mingled in with the sweat from my forehead.  Each breath is a moment, and then that moment is gone.  That was my focus.  Those thoughts brought me peace.

Yoga was over.  I remembered advice I got once, to go on a lonely adventure.  A friend needed help writing an essay, and I agreed to help him.  Anything for a distraction.

We got lost in words about moments.  He’s applying to grad school, and his challenge is to think over the last 10 years of his life and determine “why now” for higher education.  ”Why now?”  In my vulnerable state I couldn’t help but laugh at him.  Here he is, 30 years old, former aerospace engineer, accomplished businessman, fluent in 4 languages, smart, funny, talented, but not content.  He needs to go to business school to be “challenged.”  He wants to “be compared with people on a higher level,” “compete to excel.”  I read through his “moments,” – those days that felt extraordinary and accomplishing, that lead to the same feeling of discontent, and pride.

We talked about moments and time, about experiences and strength.  We ended up at a high school football game.  I felt myself laughing at the drama in the stands, the cheerleaders, the athletes – how big their world, how strong their insecurities, how unrelenting their dreams – all for some future.

I had beer for dinner.  It’s okay every once in a while, don’t you think?  Not in a binge sort of way, but in a – get caught talking and just sip on a beer situation.

I took the long way home.  I called my mom.  I called my best friend.  Talking helps.

My heart is broken.  I’ve been betrayed and lied to.  I’ve been taken advantage of by my best friend.  Now what?  I was cheated on.  I wasn’t broken up with in a normal way.  My boyfriend of two years decided to have sex with someone else.  The next morning, he called me and I came over to his house.  We ran on the beach, ordered Thai food, watched tv and cuddled.  I had no idea.

I feel embarrassed on top of sad.  I feel humiliated and unloved.  I feel alone.  But then I think, if I feel this way, that means others do too.  So how do we cope?  How do we get better, when it seems like you’re broken forever?

I’m taking my lonely adventure now.  I’m going to be lonely until my loneliness transforms into something else.  I’m not sure what yet.  I guess I have something to look forward to.

Stay tuned.

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