Why I Decided to Go to Canada Alone


September 17, 2013 3:00pm Central

Chicago, Illinois

I am sitting in Chicago’s airport waiting for my connection to Buffalo, New York.  Outside the window is land and sky.  From Buffalo I will go to Canada, to meet Jasmine in Toronto.  I don’t know what we will do there, but it is better than what I would be doing if I had stayed.  Maybe I can’t say that anymore.  Five days ago this was an entirely different trip, for a different end result, but I don’t want to talk about that now.

(It was always so complicated.  There were so many thoughts, and each thought had a counter argument, and each of those an infinite number of justifications.  Now, there is only one choice, and, in this new wisdom can recognize this one choice as the only one all along – to have courage, or to not).

This is day 4 of a different journal, but day 1 for this adventure.  Patience is easy.  I have nowhere to be at any particular time (or maybe, no one to listen to me complain).  Contentment is easy, because I am here (and he is there with another world) and that is enough.  Sadness is easy too, and I wish there was a way I could put a halt to that emotion, but I’ve also been a champion at avoidance for most of my life, and I’m trying a different route now.  I’m down to be sad for a bit.  When I wake up and want to cry I’m just going to do all that nonsense, and then wash my face and go do something else.  Enough saying no, but… The last two years of my life have been full of buts.  “No, but I have to do this with him.”  “Yes, but can we pick him up on the way?”  “But, no, but, but, maybe…”

From now on it’s “YES, AND!”

Day one of this adventure: I am here.

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