June 22, 2011, 7 PM, Italy time
The bungalow, after the most exhausting run ever
Alysse and I decided we were finally going to go for a run today. She kicked my ass immensely but I feel a ton better. I’ve never felt so exhausted by people. I just want to stay in my room for a few hours and read a book or something; but I can’t because the directors are like…stalking you constantly, trying to make sure you always have energy and can handle taking care of kids for 60 hours or more a week. It’s nuts. And it’s sort of worse for Alysse and I as opposed to my bungalow mates and (I’m guessing) hers because (not to sound super weird) but I feel super in the middle of everyone. Not in a bad way, well I guess it’s sort of bad, but I feel like there’s always a group of like….10 people wherever I am.
And I feel like I have to rep America or something by being super perky and energetic and overly accommodating all the time. Also, I feel like I’m so tired I’ve started to play a game with personalities. Like, for a few minutes I impersonate people to see how people like it. Josh is my favorite personality to pretend to be. Probably because of the facial expressions and the incredulous looks that give people encouragement to keep talking about their stories. People respond well to facial expressions: the more animated the better. I should probably stop that though, considering I am dying of exhaustion. It’s sort of weird and unexpected, considering the circumstances, but for the first time I feel completely okay with being alone. Not alone like a weirdo or isolated from family or friends (that’s still driving me crazy because I miss everyone) but alone like I don’t have to be with someone every second. After December with everything I think I went crazy in Newport, always having to be with someone constantly or doing something always. I feel super content to just be with myself. Not all the time or anything but I don’t feel as dependent on other people as I was in the last few months of school. Alysse was the first person I met on the trip. She’s 21 and going into her junior year of college in Texas. She is like…a Mother Theresa or something. Seriously, she is the nicest person I have ever met. So nice I almost doubted her sincerity when I met her, until I realized how stupid that idea was, and saw that it’s the way she loves God and others that makes every word and action she says or does so amazing. She wants to become a nurse so she can travel to third world countries and help people. She told me she doesn’t mind being dirty and doesn’t really see herself needing to be married or needing anything in particular other than the feeling she gets when she’s doing something for someone else. Now I know when most people say that you automatically call them out on their bullshit, or at least secretly note that they are a suck-up or lying or something, but she actually means it. She told me about her mission to the Texas border where her goal was just to pray with the people living there. Like, they couldn’t do anything else, the whole point was just to love them and try to help them feel that God loves them too. So basically now I feel like a bad person, because while I was off getting drunk on the peninsula she was helping save the world.